I hate the dark. The dark is something that always makes my anxiety flare up with unwanted thoughts.
Like I mentioned in my post ‘Dark Spaces and Meltdown’ I only like to be in the total dark when I have had, or am having a sensory overload.
But other than in those situations the dark just makes my anxiety disorder go into over drive. It lets me think about everything and anything, both that I have done and things that I will probably will do.
Not to mention my fear and anxiety of being attacked. The dark always lets my mind run wild with thoughts that someone is in the dark and will attack me.
I know logical that there is nobody there. I know that nobody is going to just suddenly attack me, or be outside my window. But the irrational fear is still there, has always been there.
It is not fun, and is differently not cool. But I haven’t yet found a way to fix it yet. I might some day. I hope I do someday.
I don’t want this irrational fear to rule my life. I don’t want to be scared of the dark, defiantly not now that I am an adult and logically understand that there is no monster waiting, no person to attack me. But my mind will not let the logical side of my brain do its job. Not when it is filled with horrors and all of my anxieties.
And not to mention that the silent dark seems to be the perfect time for my brain to let out everything that I have ever done wrong in my whole life. Some of them from years and years ago. And some of them are just my imagination thinking up what could have happen, or what is going to happen.
It is not fun and it really does affect me sleep. I have gotten into the habit of leaving a show or movie on when I sleep so that it is not silent. That way it gives my brain less time to thing and more time for it to let me fall asleep.
Hopefully it will get better. Hopefully I will find a way to be able to cope with my fears and anxieties. But for now I will continue on the way I have and keep trying to find the thing that works for me.